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Old 07-13-2008, 01:09 PM   #1
Chriz
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how did you lose your virginity?

(When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.)
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Old 07-13-2008, 01:12 PM   #2
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at an anno domini show
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Old 07-13-2008, 01:41 PM   #3
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stuck my lu lu in her chi chi
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Old 07-13-2008, 02:06 PM   #4
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Well, I was beating my cock to Club Seventeen.com when my mom walked in.

I was shocked at first, but then she took of my pants sucked my dick for 4 to 5 minutes the she hopped on my lap and let me bust a nut in her pussy.
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I got kicked out of the theatre during opening weekend of LOTR for getting a handjob.
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Old 07-13-2008, 02:34 PM   #5
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wait. so you were jerking off with your pants on?
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Old 07-13-2008, 02:47 PM   #6
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wait. so you were jerking off with your pants on?
LOL
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Old 07-13-2008, 03:05 PM   #7
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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to have sex after a night of heavy drinking. She said, "over my dead body". I obliged then threw her in a lake.
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Czechoslovakian sheep rape.
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Old 07-13-2008, 03:14 PM   #8
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what kind of girlfriend doesnt wanna have sex? Get rid of that bitch
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Old 07-13-2008, 03:54 PM   #9
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this thread is win
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Old 07-13-2008, 04:25 PM   #10
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wasn't really that funny.
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Period blood barely even smells at all, and usually amongst all the other smells and tastes that goes along with munching on muff, it is hardly a factor. I guess the amount of blood, smell, and uterus chunks really depends on the girl, and in my experience, has never been unmanageable.
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Old 07-13-2008, 04:27 PM   #11
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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to have sex after a night of heavy drinking. She said, "over my dead body". I obliged then threw her in a lake.
yes
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:16 PM   #12
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I brought her home right after school. we went for like 15 minutes, then i heard the garage door go up so i knew my mom was coming home. i had to get off her and we dressed and ran to the living room to act like we were studying. we were sweaty and i didnt even get to finish.

later that night my parents were asleep and i went to my bathroom and jacked off in my toilet
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:24 PM   #13
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you fucked up
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:40 PM   #14
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so how many courics was it
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:44 PM   #15
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I brought her home right after school. we went for like 15 minutes, then i heard the garage door go up so i knew my mom was coming home. i had to get off her and we dressed and ran to the living room to act like we were studying. we were sweaty and i didnt even get to finish.

later that night my parents were asleep and i went to my bathroom and jacked off in my toilet
I don't know how it's possible to hold back a nut for that long? My balls would hurt so bad I wouldn't be able to walk.
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Old 07-13-2008, 07:07 PM   #16
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wait. so you were jerking off with your pants on?
Yes, But I unziped and pulled my cock out.
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I got kicked out of the theatre during opening weekend of LOTR for getting a handjob.
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Old 07-13-2008, 07:55 PM   #17
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I asked
Well here's your mistake right here, mister.
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Old 07-13-2008, 09:01 PM   #18
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I lol'd. I lost my virginity at band camp.
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Old 07-13-2008, 09:11 PM   #19
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I was 7 lol. :(
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Old 07-13-2008, 10:06 PM   #20
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wake up sex, girlfriend caved in after a fucking year. was alright.
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Old 07-13-2008, 10:10 PM   #21
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I lol'd. I lost my virginity at band camp.
did you put on make up and fuck yourself?
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Old 07-13-2008, 10:41 PM   #22
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(When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.)
best story ever
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Old 07-13-2008, 10:56 PM   #23
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did you put on make up and fuck yourself?
YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL ANYBODY!!!
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Old 07-13-2008, 11:44 PM   #24
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i seriously dont fucking remember.

and that is terrible. my memory sucks soooo bad. It was about 7 years ago, when I was 15.

I do remember my first blowjob though haha. Parents took us back to her house after being out somewhere with her family. We were sitting in here computer room on the couch. We were making out, and then she started moving around and kissing my stomach. I remember thinking, "Don't tease me bitch, please suck my cock." Then all of the sudden my dick was in her mouth. Then I remember thinking, "Man, this feels really smooth, I could get used to this." It was def monumental.
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Old 07-13-2008, 11:47 PM   #25
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YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL ANYBODY!!!
do u get it???? itz cuz if u did that ud look moar lik a gurl than u do now!!111!!! lolzzzz
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Old 07-14-2008, 12:27 AM   #26
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I don't know how it's possible to hold back a nut for that long? My balls would hurt so bad I wouldn't be able to walk.
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:00 AM   #27
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I just kinda had sex. It was sex. Definitely sex.
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:32 AM   #28
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me and this chick got to a year of dating and we just got done with exams, we had a half day so we went to my house and fooled around. i pulled out a condom and said lets go. Then we did it missionary and then we were like lets try another position so she gets on top and then we heard this loud snap and she burst into tears i pulled my dick out and saw the condom just shredded and then i spent the next hour trying to calm her down and tell her everything will be ok. Fortanetly everything turned ok and she didnt get scared enough to never fuck again.
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Old 07-14-2008, 08:35 AM   #29
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I lol'd. I lost my virginity at band camp.
Did it involve your trumpet?

I received head at band camp, it was awesome.

I lost my virginity in my living room on a spare mattress (as me and my girlfriend had to sleep in seperate rooms) and it left a horrific pool of bodily fluids, which is still stained on the mattress to this day :')
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Old 07-14-2008, 08:53 AM   #30
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Why oh why was my virginity lost to a straightedge vegan chick 9 years ago at the age of 17. Basically it was Thanksgiving at her house, and everyone was downstairs, we went upstairs to her bedroom, and she insisted on us getting naked. I was pretty much like "are you fucking crazy, your house is full of relatives that would beat my naked ass in a second!". She got off on us having sex when we could get caught I later found out, anyways, we proceded, and had to be awfully quiet, and awfully calm in order to get away with it. And it wasn't that great. With that girl, it was all about quantity and not quality. She loved fucking, but had no idea how. Thank god that was only a 9 month stint.

Straightedge vegan girls suck at sex.

I'd relive my first blowjob experience over my first sexual experience anyday.
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